Back to School at 46 !

I am a determined person and work hard to perform my best.  So, going back to the books after such a long, long time can be very intimidating.  Like other students, I of course have my fair share of testophobia- fear of taking exams.  Not really fear of failing the tests but fear of not getting the BEST RESULTS!  Let's face the facts - at 46, your brain can works relatively slower when compared to younger brains. Mind you, I wonder whether my brain could still function in an academic setting after such a long time.

But, exams @Unirazak are just over, phew!!  What a relief, and I can enjoy my 3-week break and re-charged. I had found the experience so far very energizing and rewarding --  even it is just 3 months.  What's the best part thus far?

Well, being back in school has been a refreshing experience.  For a start, my class was small. I am the oldest person in the class, with most silver hair!  I definitely don't want to be seen as an old lady sitting in with the trendy 20+ or early 30+ year olds.  And I am glad they treat me just another fellow classmate.....with some of them addressing me as "Big sis".  I hope it is out of respect rather than being treated as "senior" or "mama"! 

During the semester, I was included in conversations --- about World Cup and everything from coursework.  As a returning “older” student, I never felt out of place. I enjoyed the interaction with my classmates and also with our professors

I felt alive and full of new enthusiasm.  I have renewed my confidence.  I have more confidence in my abilities. And since Knowledge has no limits, I am ready to learn new things and explore new possibilities. 

I definitely look forward to the next semester.  See you in  3 weeks time. 
Happy holidays, my dear friends

Transform to Perform

It left my jaw hanging in bewilderment last week (on Sunday 17 July and Monday 18 July) when I completed my "family tree" and "wheel of influence" in preparation for the "Transform to Perform - for a True Leader" which was held yesterday. It was a bonus session my trainer Bryan Ng has offered to the class of Personal Effectiveness Leadership Coaching Programme.

The astonishment I had did create some doubts whether I should go attend the "Transform to Perform - for a True Leader". Looking back at my "road map" before I was 18 turned out to be an emotional yo-yo journey because I began to uncover a few questions that needed some explanations. This prompted me to e-mail to Bryan to highlight to him about the 'scary' discovery I had. Of course, I did not disclose about my doubts of attending the session, but having his feedback that "it is a good sign", I became more curious!

The day prior to "Transform to Perform - for a True Leader" was the finale of the Personal Effectiveness Leadership Coaching Programme (Part 1). What I thought was going to be joyful 'graduation' day for me turned out to be "all hell broke lose". Hey, don't jump into conclusion so quickly (My buddies, remember the ladder of inference?). Okay, okay, what I mean here is all hell broke lose in me --- I became emotional as Bryan was recollecting the memories of the six-month learning journey! The mention of the iceberg which he frequently referred to during our coaching class sent a gush of emotions instantly (which I foresee will happen the next day!!).

Back to yesterday's event, through the "family tree" and "wheel of influence" roadmap, I became aware of my perception and yearning which lies underneath the iceberg. For my readers who aren't aware of the metaphor of an iceberg, imagine an iceberg floating in the water with its huge mass remaining underneath?  (see my posting in April on Exploring the Iceberg)

I found that some of my memories, feelings and thoughts which are out of my conscious mind are actually residing deep beneath in me. Through the wheel of influence, I managed to discover that deep inside I actually have resources which I have been unconsciously using which have been keeping or driving me to where I am today.

My resources here are self-discipline, strive for excellence (my close friends would call me "perfectionists!), independent, determination, confident, responsible, dependable, etc, etc. Stored deep inside my iceberg are parts that were lost and pieces of jigsaws which I am trying hard to reclaim – parts which are related to feelings and emotions of being isolated and crying alone in darkness expecting an invisible hand. Somehow the yearning of wanting nothing more than to have somebody to hold me and take care of me resurfaced.

Bryan pointed out to me the other side of the coin. In some of the past events, I had actually used the resources I have in me to overcome the obstacles or experiences I had. Using the resources such as determination and courage to take control makes me tougher and stronger.

It is quite challenging to describe my actual feeling and experience here, just like holding up my tears as I m writing this blog.

Yesterday my iceberg has changed its position a little as it floats. As it changes, my consciousness level moves. I need more time to reflect on my perception of other people’s expectation of me, my own expectation of myself and my expectation of others. The yearning deep inside has somewhat being noticed when I allow it to drift upwards nearer to me. The awareness had indeed provided me an immediate energy to reinforce or reconnect, and to be more appreciative to my parents and siblings for that 18 years journey that I reflected upon.

I did find some answers to the questions which have been bothering me all these years. And the funny thing is the “whys” are unimportant to me anymore. It is the "what" and “how” that I’m determined to work on! It reminds me of the movie Titanic that what lies beneath the iceberg that sinks the ship. So, I am not going to let the unknown lies deep inside to "sink" me. The Titanic me is going to have a safe journey if I begin the process of knowning WHAT is inside me and HOW to steer it to right direction.

Finally, this truly a beautiful, meaningful and well-spent Sunday could not have happen if not for . Bryan, Helen, Chin Chin, Kian Lin, Tan Weng Kong, Irene, Chua , Siew Hun, Lee Ching, Elaine, Chloe, Dapne, Connie and Onn.

Thank you for such a wonderful sharing session!

The Paradox Reality

Well, life for the past two months has been a stark contrast with when I was still working. Besides the sleepless nights (morning??) of World Cup fever, I truly have the liberty of putting 4 hours of sleep, and get back to my ‘work’, I mean my studies and assignments. I find that my 24 hours have been put to thorough use more meaningfully – for example spending more quality time with my hubby and lending him some of my strong mental strength, cooking the food he and I have been yearning, reading more books, etc.

Let's face it - we all need a little breathing space now and again in order to re-charge our batteries. I now take time to smell the roses! After two months of having enjoyed this liberation, I realised one of the conflicting issues that I have to deal with. I do have a few worries recently about money. It has been a bit of a bumpy ride financially as I now have to live prudently. It is not that I have not been prudent before, but I guess I am now more subconscious with money, like reducing expenditures on clothing and choosing where to eat during the weekends.

I feel some guilt too when I have to make adjustment including monies meant to my parents monthly. I never stringed when comes to bringing my parents and siblings out for ‘makan-makan’. I hardly paused for a moment about price whenever I purchase clothes for my little princesses and prince, and NEVER had I count the days before the next pay check. My family is very supportive especially my dad who said that need not give him any money now that I’m not working. They are of course not well-to-do, and thus I still insist on giving them a little from my savings. I could still remember vividly how it touched my heart when he utter softly that I should keep the money for myself, and that I could give him more when I return back to work.

I am exploring ways to solidify my knowledge and skills. As Bryan said in class, we must be solid and humble in order to earn respect. I tend to feel I still have a lot of unused capacity, and I do hope some people realize this and give me due considerations to utilize my abilities. There are many things that I wish to do now capitalizing on the time I have, but considering that I’m not earning right now, that can be an uphill task.

It seems that money is the issue, and I’m mulling over to return to work so that I can no longer be constrained with $$. On second thoughts, wouldn’t that defeat the purpose of what I’m doing and pursuing right now? I really hate to be caught in such situation! But I persevere as I believe the experiences I am undergoing are all for very special purpose, and I know I am progression in exactly the right direction.

When faced with some of these conflicting “stress of reality”, Steve Chandler’s book “100 ways to motivate yourself”, Robin Sharma’s “The Monk who sold his Ferrari” and Andrew Mathews “Happiness in Hard Times” have kept me company and motivated.   This is just a small glimpse of my present but I hope to blog more frequently.

Until then, I hope (and hope you too) to share any surprising future that awaits me….

Exploring the ICEBERG

My dear friends who know that I love travelling, you gonna be disappointed b'coz this story is not about any trip to North Atlantic nor Greenland.  I'm writing about exploring my iceberg.

Well, the sessions that I have been attending since end February 2010 has thus far been an eye-opener as far as self-discovery is concerned. One particular lesson is on the Iceberg Model, which I find quite an "abstract" matter, but can be intriguing and useful in discovering our true self and potential.

Put simply, the Iceberg Model is a model for understanding the levels of self. The concept is rather simple and common to most of us --- an iceberg where what is above the water line is what is seen and what is beneath can be a plentiful of feelings.  What can be seen in this case is our behaviours and actions, while what reside beneath are our perceptions, expectations which influence the behaviours, and at the same time interacting with what’s deep inside (i.e. like our yearnings).  The  Iceberg model simply said that when we feel that our yearnings being met, some sort of life energy is created, which in turn develop our Self.

I try to associate this theory to my daily life by reflecting some of behaviour I am familiar with.  Those who know me very well and long enough, will surely remembered me as very quick tempered (but very much less now!).  But, our friends may not understand that the deep below the anger behaviour may include other elements or feelings such frustrations, hurt, insecure which more often than not are not readily seen or understood by others.  So, I guess the lesson here is for me to thoroughly examine such behaviour deeply, before any issues/problems that are bothering me can be addressed. 

 

Similarly, the iceberg model also helps me to understand other people's behaviour, or at least help me to recognize that there are much more to such behaviour and at least help me to react or deal with it in a more rational way. 

 

So, to Sharon Ho who always wonder why I am so patient nowadays, I probably can say it is all about the ICEBERG......

Renew Your Life - How about Jump Start it with Career Gap

Many of us have the habit of doing the same thing day after day, month after month, and year after year. How many of us really ever sit back and reflect the burden of hectic life @work? How about the loss of our precious time when we got stuck in heavy traffic when commuting to work? Has it ever cross your mind of changing or renewing your life?


I found that it is not easy to change or rejunevate or renew your life when one still shows up at the office every morning, continuing to work or reply e-mails after office hours or getting calls when on vacation or on weekends.  Is there a better way to rejuvenate your energy/life than putting a halt of what you are doing?


Do we need a breather ?  Taking a breather in life does not mean lazing around.  Some of my close buddies said it means taking a long holiday and then returning to work and continue with life as before.  I would agree to this years ago, but now I absolutely disagree.  Have our priorities just change as we grow older and wiser?  Taking a career gap is to free the mind from work to allow deep contemplation and to ask oneself what else gives more meaning and purpose other than working.

Taking a career  gap means much more than that to me.  I may wish to return something back to the community through a volunteering or social activity, or perhaps returning to study something I dream of.  What about develop a new skills that will enhance my ability in the future?  How about devoting more time to the long-neglected family member?

But it can be a scary packing in your job and skipping off to do something completely different. There are people who will be affected by your career break --- especially when you have your family or dependents to think of.   The issue of $$$ can really shut down your idea of a career break.  Facing the reactions is the toughest, I think and one must be prepared to deal with remarks that "it is a silly thing to do", "is she insane!", etc.  Many will try to talk you out of it.  All these fears always hold people back. Negative thoughts of making a mistake that one regret later, fear that money will be wasted,  worry of not being able to climb back to where you have left your career, etc, etc.

Anyway, taking a Career Gap is just like pitching any sales.  You won't always expect a "Yes" immediately. 
Therefore, to me when the small "Financial Cushion" is ready,  just do it so that when we approach 50 or 60 years old, we don't have to say "I always wanted to do it, but I never had the chance to do it.  Now it’s too late”
 
It is scary, but one has to deal with it especially when it appears so loud from your inner voice.  After all, it just means that we have to work much harder to return to the workplace to build the financial cushion again.  And who knows by then, we may have obtain a fresh perspective on life, or we may have developed new skills, broadened our personal horizons, or have made a rewarding contribution to the community....and most importantly we feel happy about it.   Aren't these Precious to our Life !!

Time Really Flies

 

I just realised that I have not been putting up "my journey" here since the last post about my holiday to Macau.  Wow, how time really flies, and now it is already March!  What have I achieve during this time -- God knows how I have spent my time.  Can I request for another 12 hours daily?!

Talking about how time flies, my little godson has grown quite a bit since I last saw him in April 2009.  

He can walk on his own now, and grown so cute and adorable!  Here are some glimpse of him when he's back during Chinese New Year.

The Architecture Beauty of Venetian