Transform to Perform

It left my jaw hanging in bewilderment last week (on Sunday 17 July and Monday 18 July) when I completed my "family tree" and "wheel of influence" in preparation for the "Transform to Perform - for a True Leader" which was held yesterday. It was a bonus session my trainer Bryan Ng has offered to the class of Personal Effectiveness Leadership Coaching Programme.

The astonishment I had did create some doubts whether I should go attend the "Transform to Perform - for a True Leader". Looking back at my "road map" before I was 18 turned out to be an emotional yo-yo journey because I began to uncover a few questions that needed some explanations. This prompted me to e-mail to Bryan to highlight to him about the 'scary' discovery I had. Of course, I did not disclose about my doubts of attending the session, but having his feedback that "it is a good sign", I became more curious!

The day prior to "Transform to Perform - for a True Leader" was the finale of the Personal Effectiveness Leadership Coaching Programme (Part 1). What I thought was going to be joyful 'graduation' day for me turned out to be "all hell broke lose". Hey, don't jump into conclusion so quickly (My buddies, remember the ladder of inference?). Okay, okay, what I mean here is all hell broke lose in me --- I became emotional as Bryan was recollecting the memories of the six-month learning journey! The mention of the iceberg which he frequently referred to during our coaching class sent a gush of emotions instantly (which I foresee will happen the next day!!).

Back to yesterday's event, through the "family tree" and "wheel of influence" roadmap, I became aware of my perception and yearning which lies underneath the iceberg. For my readers who aren't aware of the metaphor of an iceberg, imagine an iceberg floating in the water with its huge mass remaining underneath?  (see my posting in April on Exploring the Iceberg)

I found that some of my memories, feelings and thoughts which are out of my conscious mind are actually residing deep beneath in me. Through the wheel of influence, I managed to discover that deep inside I actually have resources which I have been unconsciously using which have been keeping or driving me to where I am today.

My resources here are self-discipline, strive for excellence (my close friends would call me "perfectionists!), independent, determination, confident, responsible, dependable, etc, etc. Stored deep inside my iceberg are parts that were lost and pieces of jigsaws which I am trying hard to reclaim – parts which are related to feelings and emotions of being isolated and crying alone in darkness expecting an invisible hand. Somehow the yearning of wanting nothing more than to have somebody to hold me and take care of me resurfaced.

Bryan pointed out to me the other side of the coin. In some of the past events, I had actually used the resources I have in me to overcome the obstacles or experiences I had. Using the resources such as determination and courage to take control makes me tougher and stronger.

It is quite challenging to describe my actual feeling and experience here, just like holding up my tears as I m writing this blog.

Yesterday my iceberg has changed its position a little as it floats. As it changes, my consciousness level moves. I need more time to reflect on my perception of other people’s expectation of me, my own expectation of myself and my expectation of others. The yearning deep inside has somewhat being noticed when I allow it to drift upwards nearer to me. The awareness had indeed provided me an immediate energy to reinforce or reconnect, and to be more appreciative to my parents and siblings for that 18 years journey that I reflected upon.

I did find some answers to the questions which have been bothering me all these years. And the funny thing is the “whys” are unimportant to me anymore. It is the "what" and “how” that I’m determined to work on! It reminds me of the movie Titanic that what lies beneath the iceberg that sinks the ship. So, I am not going to let the unknown lies deep inside to "sink" me. The Titanic me is going to have a safe journey if I begin the process of knowning WHAT is inside me and HOW to steer it to right direction.

Finally, this truly a beautiful, meaningful and well-spent Sunday could not have happen if not for . Bryan, Helen, Chin Chin, Kian Lin, Tan Weng Kong, Irene, Chua , Siew Hun, Lee Ching, Elaine, Chloe, Dapne, Connie and Onn.

Thank you for such a wonderful sharing session!

The Paradox Reality

Well, life for the past two months has been a stark contrast with when I was still working. Besides the sleepless nights (morning??) of World Cup fever, I truly have the liberty of putting 4 hours of sleep, and get back to my ‘work’, I mean my studies and assignments. I find that my 24 hours have been put to thorough use more meaningfully – for example spending more quality time with my hubby and lending him some of my strong mental strength, cooking the food he and I have been yearning, reading more books, etc.

Let's face it - we all need a little breathing space now and again in order to re-charge our batteries. I now take time to smell the roses! After two months of having enjoyed this liberation, I realised one of the conflicting issues that I have to deal with. I do have a few worries recently about money. It has been a bit of a bumpy ride financially as I now have to live prudently. It is not that I have not been prudent before, but I guess I am now more subconscious with money, like reducing expenditures on clothing and choosing where to eat during the weekends.

I feel some guilt too when I have to make adjustment including monies meant to my parents monthly. I never stringed when comes to bringing my parents and siblings out for ‘makan-makan’. I hardly paused for a moment about price whenever I purchase clothes for my little princesses and prince, and NEVER had I count the days before the next pay check. My family is very supportive especially my dad who said that need not give him any money now that I’m not working. They are of course not well-to-do, and thus I still insist on giving them a little from my savings. I could still remember vividly how it touched my heart when he utter softly that I should keep the money for myself, and that I could give him more when I return back to work.

I am exploring ways to solidify my knowledge and skills. As Bryan said in class, we must be solid and humble in order to earn respect. I tend to feel I still have a lot of unused capacity, and I do hope some people realize this and give me due considerations to utilize my abilities. There are many things that I wish to do now capitalizing on the time I have, but considering that I’m not earning right now, that can be an uphill task.

It seems that money is the issue, and I’m mulling over to return to work so that I can no longer be constrained with $$. On second thoughts, wouldn’t that defeat the purpose of what I’m doing and pursuing right now? I really hate to be caught in such situation! But I persevere as I believe the experiences I am undergoing are all for very special purpose, and I know I am progression in exactly the right direction.

When faced with some of these conflicting “stress of reality”, Steve Chandler’s book “100 ways to motivate yourself”, Robin Sharma’s “The Monk who sold his Ferrari” and Andrew Mathews “Happiness in Hard Times” have kept me company and motivated.   This is just a small glimpse of my present but I hope to blog more frequently.

Until then, I hope (and hope you too) to share any surprising future that awaits me….