Transform to Perform

It left my jaw hanging in bewilderment last week (on Sunday 17 July and Monday 18 July) when I completed my "family tree" and "wheel of influence" in preparation for the "Transform to Perform - for a True Leader" which was held yesterday. It was a bonus session my trainer Bryan Ng has offered to the class of Personal Effectiveness Leadership Coaching Programme.

The astonishment I had did create some doubts whether I should go attend the "Transform to Perform - for a True Leader". Looking back at my "road map" before I was 18 turned out to be an emotional yo-yo journey because I began to uncover a few questions that needed some explanations. This prompted me to e-mail to Bryan to highlight to him about the 'scary' discovery I had. Of course, I did not disclose about my doubts of attending the session, but having his feedback that "it is a good sign", I became more curious!

The day prior to "Transform to Perform - for a True Leader" was the finale of the Personal Effectiveness Leadership Coaching Programme (Part 1). What I thought was going to be joyful 'graduation' day for me turned out to be "all hell broke lose". Hey, don't jump into conclusion so quickly (My buddies, remember the ladder of inference?). Okay, okay, what I mean here is all hell broke lose in me --- I became emotional as Bryan was recollecting the memories of the six-month learning journey! The mention of the iceberg which he frequently referred to during our coaching class sent a gush of emotions instantly (which I foresee will happen the next day!!).

Back to yesterday's event, through the "family tree" and "wheel of influence" roadmap, I became aware of my perception and yearning which lies underneath the iceberg. For my readers who aren't aware of the metaphor of an iceberg, imagine an iceberg floating in the water with its huge mass remaining underneath?  (see my posting in April on Exploring the Iceberg)

I found that some of my memories, feelings and thoughts which are out of my conscious mind are actually residing deep beneath in me. Through the wheel of influence, I managed to discover that deep inside I actually have resources which I have been unconsciously using which have been keeping or driving me to where I am today.

My resources here are self-discipline, strive for excellence (my close friends would call me "perfectionists!), independent, determination, confident, responsible, dependable, etc, etc. Stored deep inside my iceberg are parts that were lost and pieces of jigsaws which I am trying hard to reclaim – parts which are related to feelings and emotions of being isolated and crying alone in darkness expecting an invisible hand. Somehow the yearning of wanting nothing more than to have somebody to hold me and take care of me resurfaced.

Bryan pointed out to me the other side of the coin. In some of the past events, I had actually used the resources I have in me to overcome the obstacles or experiences I had. Using the resources such as determination and courage to take control makes me tougher and stronger.

It is quite challenging to describe my actual feeling and experience here, just like holding up my tears as I m writing this blog.

Yesterday my iceberg has changed its position a little as it floats. As it changes, my consciousness level moves. I need more time to reflect on my perception of other people’s expectation of me, my own expectation of myself and my expectation of others. The yearning deep inside has somewhat being noticed when I allow it to drift upwards nearer to me. The awareness had indeed provided me an immediate energy to reinforce or reconnect, and to be more appreciative to my parents and siblings for that 18 years journey that I reflected upon.

I did find some answers to the questions which have been bothering me all these years. And the funny thing is the “whys” are unimportant to me anymore. It is the "what" and “how” that I’m determined to work on! It reminds me of the movie Titanic that what lies beneath the iceberg that sinks the ship. So, I am not going to let the unknown lies deep inside to "sink" me. The Titanic me is going to have a safe journey if I begin the process of knowning WHAT is inside me and HOW to steer it to right direction.

Finally, this truly a beautiful, meaningful and well-spent Sunday could not have happen if not for . Bryan, Helen, Chin Chin, Kian Lin, Tan Weng Kong, Irene, Chua , Siew Hun, Lee Ching, Elaine, Chloe, Dapne, Connie and Onn.

Thank you for such a wonderful sharing session!